In response to The events as they have happened so far
Dear Jack,
I hope that you are enjoying the month of December and able to experience the calmness of the curious ending and the excitement of our days changing. I tend to stay close to home and if I were to divulge a pattern it would be that I burrow inwards like a hopeful animal. Today's letter is quite abstract due to my flurry of personal activity to turn things over and reach for something glorious.
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| Lewis Carroll's original sketch of Alice |
From here on out, I will stop leaving the impression that I am a rabbit looking at my watch. I do guard myself from the external forces that contain us. A more truthful explanation is that I admire our friendship and enjoy being courteous. I would never want you to worry that I was detained, or at a loss for words.
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| Clouds out my window |
Our correspondence is very much like the olden days when letters took a long journey to reach the eyes of those waiting for news of life elsewhere. I do prefer the mystery rather then being on a schedule... except the schedule that I have been easing into over the last few months! I am preparing to jump some hurdles next year and it will take all of my reserves to do it.
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| Channel ©1994 43" x 37" charcoal and oil pastel on paper |
Partly, I am returning to how I was in my 20s. My work ethic was focused obsessively toward a goal that I could not name, but that I deeply felt. The point was not so much the art, the painting, or the series, but the act of making. I created a strong escarpment on which to build. I accumulated material evidence about my internal guessing, while solidifying the terms of my art practice. In time, I became a confident young being, one in pursuit of refining a process of discovery and of naming my own convictions.
Next followed a period of probing every thought and cradling surges of imagination regardless of their rational. I was a vital being and a very keen connector of things.
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It was a time to honor the idea and take notes. I worked without imagining an outcome. Sometimes, I lost trust in my ability to translate such vaporous things. Though it turns out that all my notes are in use today, keeping me busy pulling it all together.
My art became more complex, mostly due to the variety of pieces and the scale of the idea. Often I elected to put down my brush in order to create a different type of art, which concerned some and perplexed others. (Someday I will share my views about painting.) I proceeded bravely, coaxed by blaring music as jumped, twirled, and danced around my studio making art that had no attachment to anything, but the fact that I was making it.
One evening at dinner I tried to explain, somewhat insouciantly, what was coming into existence. A friend and an art critic (very astute in outsider and public art) said, pointing his hands in the air, "this is a Gesamkunstwerk." I didn't know what it meant, but I received a gift that night, clarity to see that all I had instigated fit together despite myself. Excitement is an understatement. I renewed my determination and acceptance of my drawn out process.
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| A step forward: sacred cloth held in a sacred box |
Now 12 years in the making, I estimate that I have about two years left to complete the installation. It was not my original goal, so I sometimes am panicked over my obligation and the timing of it. Some of the most beautiful parts of this endeavor are derived from limitations and boundaries; accepting what is rather than wishing what it should be. Just as with the objects, all prefabricated ideas of who I was or who I was to be had to be surrendered. And now I must evolve further by reshuffling, shifting into a new gear, and re-prioritizing. Even I get dizzy hanging around me.
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| Folder holding a collection of many great trees of our earth |
My Gesamkunstwerk is a full room installation. It is a story about an artist that spans 1000's of years. There are relics and mementos that are all very precious and rare. I am thrilled you brought up your library. I have one too. Mine focuses on format and the sensations found in three contexts; individually, in a group, and then as part of the bigger installation. I have tablets, scrolls, manuscripts, and prayer books to name a few. They all fit into a huge cargo trunk filled with shelves and custom compartments that hold each type of "book." Once closed and locked, the outside is adorned with stickers that I have designed. Everything is crated, as you know, and stored for the future.
Today, I am again working feverishly and obsessively with a keen direction and self-imposed assignments. The difference is that I do see the outcome, not in full detail, but I can feel the immensity and power of my goals. I repeat the tasks in my head, the list is my mantra. I probably have more planned than I can actually accomplish, but, it is good to pile it on. I have this sense that we live in urgent times, and, too often, I feel like I am not working hard enough.
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| Blinder ©1994 24" x 25" charcoal on paper |
2012 must be fruitful, so I have put blinders on. I need to place myself in quarantine and limit distractions. Because my output is of paramount importance I will guard what I take in. I mustn't react. I must only do. At the core of my motivation resides a delicate longing for humankind that I cherish. I wish for us all and must nurture the wishing by emptying myself.
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| Retablo #3: Brat, oil on metal |
This is a big step for me in my development as a woman. I feel that I am reaching that final retablo where the woman sits silently still, yet looming brightly. I am stretching out to enter this stage for the first time, brushing up against her. As I approach, I summon every facet of myself. I use my full imagination like a saint, swearing an oath to get things right. I will work like a horse and make the mysterious art heroically. I will call upon the brat to help get things done; she who is often a bad ass, bold and defiant, demanding and ornery, convincing and effective, but never mean.
Just wish me well through it all! Our correspondence through 2012 will be held dear.
Warmth, xxlee
See all nine Retablos; stages of womanhood
See some of the books that are part of the library in progress
